Kidnapped in Japan

Post XVIII 

So last weekend was rather bizarre. I`ll set the scene. It had been a long week, and I was knackered, so decided I wouldn’t take the ferry to have drinks with my friends. Instead, I would cook a meal, have a beer, and read a book. I kept putting off cooking because I couldn`t be bothered, so I just sat reading and drinking, and all of a sudden it was around 8.30. I thought, I`ll get cooking now or else I`ll eat really late. So there I was, cooking away, and the doorbell goes. Now, the Japanese aren`t ones to disturb you late unless it`s important, so I wondered who it could be. I opened the door and there stood a lady whom I didn`t recognize. She started rambling at me in rapid Japanese. I could understand that she was saying that she was my neighbor. She asked if I had eaten, and I said no, but that I was cooking now. She said, no no its ok, you can eat at the bar. I was in my pajyamas so I insisted that I should change, she replied that I looked fine and that I didn`t need to worry. I just about managed to convince her I should at least turn off my gas, so I nipped inside (and quickly chucked on some trousers) and there I was being dragged out of the house to the only bar on the island. 

 She knew about 10 English words, but nonetheless we could hold a minimal conversation. She insisted she was my Japanese mother, and that I should frequently eat at her house, and so on. She bought me a plethora of drinks, and we played darts, and it was just generally a bizarre evening. 

 On the way home, she “boinked” me on the penis. I can think of a better word to describe it. It was like an exaggerated and comical pat with the palm of her hand, followed by the most childish outcry of laughter you have ever heard from a 60 odd year old woman. I suppose she was curious. It marked the end of an absolutely bizarre kidnapping and night out, that was actually surprisingly fun. After, I couldn’t help but ponder over the “boink” for a little while. I thought to myself, if it was an old Japanese man “boinking” a young girl on her tits, that would be completely inappropriate. Perhaps what she did to me was inappropriate too, but I guess I have got so used to all manners of attempted sexual assaults at school that I have just come to expect it. This is one of the Japan-isms that many foreigners draw the line at – the obsession, between same sexes, to attempt to sexually touch their peers (and teachers). Now, I think I don’t really have a problem with it as there is no sexual intent whatsoever, it is playful. Just like in English schools, we have “bundles” where one boy is piled on top of by all of his peers, the Japanese have “Kancho” where they try to grab your man parts, or sometimes worse…. Also, I have become a ninja at deflecting their attempts, so they rarely succeed. What`s more, my children don`t seem to try to kancho me as often as my friends kids try to kancho them.

 In any case, whether you see it as a playful part of Japanese childhood, or a fundamental flaw in how children are allowed to behave at school, it is still going to happen. I try to just be as little of a kill joy as possible, but I can understand why it can be a source of discomfort for foreigners working in Japan, too.